Is Ranking Children in the Class Really Helpful?

“Where are they in the class?” A question I regularly get asked by parents. Answering this question isn’t as easy as you might think. Of course as parents, we want to know how our children are doing in their schoolwork. But are we asking the right questions?

I could tell you that your child is in my top maths group. I’m sure hearing this might make you feel good and give you a bit of reassurance. But in a different group of children, in a different year, the same child at the same ability level, could have been in my second maths group. It’s all relative to the other children in the class.

When we compare our children to the progress of other children, what do we achieve? If our child is doing ‘well’, we might give ourselves a pat on the back, a reassurance that we are doing a good job as parents. If someone else’s child is doing better, we might feel deflated, that our children just aren’t doing good enough, that we as parents aren't doing enough. We ramp up the pressure and it all falls heavily on the shoulders of our little ones. What does this say to our children? They aren’t as good as someone else. The don’t measure up. Their best isn’t good enough. You might think that comparing them to their peers will spur them on, give them to motivation to improve. However, it's more likely to do a lot of emotional damage, waging war against their confidence and self-esteem.

So perhaps the questions we are asking need to change. Instead of asking, “Where are they in the class?” we should be asking, “Are they achieving their potential?” “Are they performing at their best?” “What are the struggling with and how can I help?”

Usually from Key Stage 1, your children’s teachers will be testing the children’s intelligence with a non-verbal reasoning test. These give an indicator of what your child is capable of. Then when your child does testing in literacy and numeracy, these scores are compared to the intelligence score, to see if they are achieving their full potential.  So the only comparison is with themselves. Your child’s attainment is irrelevant to what someone else in the class is attaining. 

Once we start thinking this way, it eradicates the need to rank and compare children. What matters, is your child as an individual. As long as they are performing at their own best level, that’s all that matters.

But what if your child isn’t performing at their potential? Have a chat with your child’s teacher. They can see where the gaps in their learning are and what needs improvement. It could be that they found test conditions difficult; no one enjoys exams and for young children, this is a new and scary experience. Remember, a test is only a reflection on what a child did on one particular day. It is not the be all and end all. If your child is consistently struggling and you think they may need further assessment or intervention, ask to speak to the school SENCo (Special Educational Needs Coordinator), who can advise you on the way forward. 

Every child is an individual, therefore we cannot look at each one through the same lens. Imagine a handful of corn in a pan. They are all heated at the same temperature, under the same conditions, yet each one explodes into popcorn at different rates. The same is true with children’s learning. One child may take to reading like a duck to water. Others may take a bit longer to find their feet. Comparing our children to others, is unhelpful, unfair and damaging to both them and us. So keep your eyes fixed on your child. If the neighbour’s kids are aces at times tables, good for them. Your child will find their niche, in their own time. Make sure you have your focus on them, ready to dish out the high fives when they achieve those little goals. 

Building Resilient Kids

Anxiety: a word we hear everywhere at the moment. Many people attribute this to Covid 19. Although it’s true that Covid has certainly played its part, I think there was a problem long before Covid reared its head. 

In the classroom, there is an evident increasing lack of ability to cope with life’s normal stressors. Whether it is a spelling test or a challenging maths problem, some children can go to pieces at the very thought of facing a pressurised task. In the eight years that I have been teaching, there has been a distinct increase in the number of tears shed over everyday mundane classroom tasks. My job has become as much about emotional learning as it is about curriculum learning. 

The thing that children desperately need is resilience. Resilience is the trampoline that helps us bounce back when the hard stuff hits us. Resilience is what allows us to take risks knowing that it’s ok to make a mistake.  Resilience is what makes us look at the broken pieces and have the strength to start piecing it all back together.  We often hear people say, “Children are resilient”. However, children are not born with superhero strength resilience. Resilience must be learned. It’s not an easy thing to learn, it’s incredibly tough. But this learning is what will make our children into strong resilient adults, ready to face whatever life throws at them.

As parents, we want to do everything in our power to make life an easy road for our kids. We lose sleep worrying about them when things aren’t going well and we will move heaven and earth to help them avoid unnecessary pain or distress. We want to wrap them up in cotton wool, to keep them close and we will fiercely fight off anything that threatens to stand in their way. 

But when we overprotect our children, we do them a disservice. I’m not saying we throw caution to the wind, but we do need to allow our children to face some obstacles. Some pressure, some disappointment, some failure is exactly what our children need to build resilience. The bumps in the road help them to learn to problem-solve, to cope with big emotions and to bounce back well. Our job is not always to fix the problem. Sometimes it is to hold their hand through it, other times it is to take a back seat and let them find their own way through.

Practical Steps to Help Build Your Child’s Resilience:

• Set goals and make a plan to help achieve them. Having something to aim for gives children a purpose, keeps them motivated and makes them more likely to persevere when it gets tough.

• Expose them to positive stress. As adults, we know that life is not always rosy. We will all encounter challenges. Positive stress is what promotes growth, builds determination and gives children the fundamental skills to cope when the bigger stresses come their way. When something breaks, give them the opportunity to work out how to fix it. When they have a fallout with friends or siblings, take a back seat (when appropriate) and let them navigate repairing the relationship. When homework is tricky, encourage them to ‘have a go’ before swooping in to explain it. Encourage them to take healthy risks, which will push them beyond their comfort zone, but won’t do them a lot of harm if they fail.

• See the value in failure. So many children are afraid to fail. Help them see that failure is not something we ‘get in trouble’ for, but something we can learn from. Talk about what they can do better next time and how they can improve as a result of their failure. Ask questions to encourage them to problem-solve eg. instead of saying, “Put that Lego brick there,” say, “What shape/ size of brick do you think goes there?” Praise their effort rather than the outcome eg. instead of saying, “Your painting is very beautiful,” say, “I really love how you persevered with this, even when you found it really tricky.”

• Develop positive self-esteem. When children have good self-esteem, they think positively and they are more likely to take risks and try new things. Look for opportunities to praise their character eg. “I loved seeing your kindness when you shared with your brother.”

• Teach your child how to rest well. Our culture nurtures busyness and burnout can easily set in. Children and adults alike, need to learn to take time to rest and recharge. When we are tired and overworked, we don’t have clarity in our thinking, we can start acting based on our emotions and don’t perform at our full potential.

• Develop trusting caring relationships. Strong relationships with caregivers give children the security to make mistakes in a safe environment. Children can trip up, knowing that they won’t be judged and someone will come alongside to help them get back up and cheer them on to try again.

• Model your coping skills. Practically show your children how you cope with adversity, talk to them about times when you have failed and how you have overcome them.

If your child is struggling with developing their resilience, there is hope. Resilience is learned. Even the most fragile children can develop it. It is never too late. It’s always a work in progress. As a parent, your job is to be there for them, cheering them along, assuring them of your unconditional love.

Working Mum Guilt

Career and parenthood. Can we mums really have it all? A thought that plagues me regularly.

Being a working mum is exhausting. Whether you work out of financial necessity or vocational aspirations, mum guilt creeps in constantly. I imagine even stay at home mums know the feelings of mum guilt too. It’s inescapable.

I’ve lost count of the times I’ve lay awake in bed at night thinking, “I didn’t do the reading,” “I forgot to sign that note,” or “I haven’t made the packed lunches.” I often feel like a circus performer, trying to keep all of the plates spinning. And do I drop the plates? Every. Single. Day.

Trying to maintain the delicate balance has caused me to re-evaluate what is important. I’m learning to say, “no” to the unnecessary commitments, to maximise my time with my son, even if that means something as mundane as cutting up the vegetables together for dinner.

Being a mum is woven into my character. It’s who I am. But it’s not the only thing I am. I am still the hard-working, creative woman I was before I became a mum. So rather than abandon these qualities in exchange for motherhood, I choose to weave them through every aspect of my life. This is what I have chosen. It may not be what every mum chooses, and that’s ok. You know what works best for your family, so what works for another family, may not necessarily work for yours.

Working mum or not, being a mother is one of life’s greatest blessings. It isn’t easy, some days are just plain tough. But you’ve got this, you’re doing your best and that’s all you can do. And when you drop the spinning plates, tomorrow’s a brand new day!